link to last year's post on Christmas Eve
a year ago I placed a place of despair and suffering on this sabe. I was just shy at 280 pounds, at a rate of 24, and totally ashamed of my body and my life. I wrote for accountability in the hope that I can finally make a change.
This year was really, very heavy, but I really made some changes and lost a total of 70 pounds before I gained about 12 pounds in the last few months of the year. I went from 24 to 16, and for the first time in my entire life I was able to cross my legs.
all i did was counting calories. I started in 1500, but in fact I didn’t lose much, so I fell to 1200 and the weight began to fall. I lost 50 pounds between March and July. it was wonderful. I felt better, I looked better, and life seemed to be getting better. Here are a couple of "before and after", NSFW
I am one of two therapists in my agency, and in early August another therapist went on medical leave. the load doubled, and the stress level did too. I stopped counting calories and started eating more. I wrote in my post on Christmas Eve about my struggle with overeating; Unfortunately, my rampant episodes never completely disappeared, but in August they worsened significantly and moved from pure hard drinking to inflammation and cleansing. all of a sudden, in the midst of my healthy weight loss, I had a complete eating disorder. I have long refused, because my sister has anorexia, and she is the one who has ED, not me, right? it was a difficult truth to swallow when I realized that my food was as disorderly as hers. Before I started losing, I met the criteria of impartial eating disorder, although at the time I was not aware of this. Now I fully meet the criteria for bulimia.
do you know what's interesting? I have not lost a damn pound since my colleague left in August. in fact, I gained about 12 pounds from permanent side effects. I recognize my behavior as erratic and want to get better. I am the most hypocritical psychotherapist in the world – helping my clients to change their disordered behavior, at the same time silently suffering from my own.
since this year is coming to an end, I am proud of myself for having lost 58 pounds in total. most of this weight was a healthy loss. I am a little less miserable this Christmas than I was last Christmas. I started visiting a nutritionist and taking medicine, and I continue to see the amazing therapist I have met for many years. I also met a guy in early December, and we both knew on our first date that we were going to marry each other. we are thinking about May 2020, and I really want to be by the time I reach my goal. He gave me a reason to recover, because now I want to lose weight in a healthy and sustainable way. I do not want to marry with broken eating habits, if I can help. I am a little below my target weight and feel confident in my ability to lose weight.
it's really easy to get into a messy meal, and, to be honest, most people have a bit of messy eating habits. The basic principles of cognitive-behavioral therapy were useful in identifying the thoughts and feelings that cause my behavior. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I used to be, and I hope that in a year I will be able to share another update with even more progress. thanks for following.